ThIs iS mY lIfE

Redefined Friendship

So my best friend at college has been dating this one guy for roughly 5 months.  They love each other and he is her first and lalalala.  Yes it is very exciting to see her happy.  I am beyond thrilled for her however there is something not A okay with this situation.  She has been putting everything on hold for him ever since she started getting annoyed of our one friend Robin who just got in a relationship.  And like I get that whoo you’re past the whole puppy dog love but that doesn’t mean you should cling to him either. Like if he said he is going to go do X she is like oh I’ll come with you instead of going out to eat with us or hanging out with me.  And it’s like really?? Really?? We are going there?? Ok.  Like she is annoying me so badly and she’s going to be my roommate for next semester.

What really set me off was last night.  She has been doing consistently bad in math for this entire semester.  Like she has a 65 which is one point away from being a F.  Okay so not good.  So naturally you would think that a person like that would really be buckling down to do really well on this next test.  No.  Instead we are studying with her boyfriend who gets A’s on all of the tests which should be fine but obviously it is not solving anything. She isn’t getting anywhere by studying with him.  Like she has to do good in this math class because it affects her as a nursing student.  Even her academic advisor said most nursing majors don’t get accepting because of the math—if they cannot do the math then they just won’t make it.  In my head I was screaming thinking “THIS IS YOU!!!” And afterward we had a serious discussion about how she needs to work harder and yata yata and she agreed and that she would go to the math tutoring but she never did. And why is that?? Because her boyfriend wouldn’t go with her. Like for real?

Like I am a go-getter. Like never have I ever been remotely comfortable with failing. Ever. So what do I do to prevent that? Study.  But she acts like it will just come naturally to her when indeed it won’t.  She says she understands that it is going to take some work but seriously she isn’t listening to herself.  Because if she did she would notice that NO improvement has been made. Blah. Drives me nuts. Like she knows that she is babied by her parents and instead of trying to become more independent all she is doing is being freaking babylike.  She allows other people to decide shit for her and if it is the wrong person she’ll end up making the bad decision and be content with it because someone will help her get back on her feet right? Of course because she has been babied her entire life and she allows it to be that way.

LIKE GROW UP ALREADY!

Posted 1 month ago

The Fall

Well lesson learned….

Me and the guy are over. Why? Because he was supposedly talking to another girl the ENTIRE time that we were talking. He has met her family and they love him and went over to hang out with them and that’s great I guess. Where I am hurt is that I have asked him numerous times if he wants out that he can get out however he never did. We have sex and later that week I went home to help my sister with her outfits for her Senior Pictures and literally he ran to this other girl. Like he didn’t even tell me about it. Like what the hell? It’s like what if I never went home? Would this of happened? No. Maybe. I’m not really sure. All I know is that he hurt me and hurt me pretty bad. I just want to scream at him and tell him he has a lot to fix but unfortunately that would be too easy. We are both on Spring Break and he had a fishing tournament which prevented me from getting to yell at him. So I have to wait two more Sundays in order to yell. And I am going to wear the gray top that I wore the first night he spent the night and my short jean shorts and my friend’s converses. I am going to look cute.

Now what does this all mean? It means he’s not the end all tell all. I believe some guy will come around and I’ll fall head over heels and he will be so into me that he’ll want to show me off and want to kiss me and hold me and just be with me. Maybe it’s not now. Maybe it’s not in a year but it will happen. I am optimistic. I just need to learn to be happy now without all of the drama. I am just wanting more. I want that forever or at least the long term relationship. I crave it. I just want to be loved and loved big. I am just going to take cute pictures and have fun and some guy will pick up on that and think now that’s the girl I want to be with and that’s when I will know that he is it. But until then I am not sure…we just have to wait and see. :)

Prayers and faith is all I can do! Let’s pray that the right guy will come soon!

I just want to make this paragraph a prayer to my future:

May you always shine bright. May you always do right. May God lead you where you want to go. May you be placed on the right road. May you find me some day and sweep me away. May we always be guided with God’s help. May we someday make life our own :) <3

Posted 2 months ago

Ohhh that’s why we believe that….

So I learned something this past week. That’s that when you love someone you have sex with them because otherwise you will be thrown into all kinds of whack.

Well this guy…well actually the guy that lied to me and the guy that I supposedly friend zoned and I had sex.  It was so thrilling and exciting and crazy all at once. Like for two weeks he has been just sleeping over and kissing me and hands going places then all of a sudden monday night we are having sex!  This was great and all and he said that it was probably the best sexual intercourse he has ever had which to me that verbage is hilarious.  Well the next day things were okay and going normal up until he started acting one way around just me and another when everyone was around.  I was so annoyed.  He was making this a classic friends with benefit.  I kinda contained all of these thoughts because hell I didn’t know how to bring them up to him.  Anyways he took me out on the boat…his thing is bass fishing…anyways he took me on the boat and it was fun and we talked and I held a fish and everything but the entire time I could actually feel the friend zoned situation.  He wasn’t flirting or anything. So that stunk. So we left and then he visited me before he had bowling night with the fishing team…cute right? Haha. Anyways I told him and then he left and he drank and then came to visit me that night and he said that he doesn’t know if he can give me the next part….the next part meaning treating me like he likes me around people.  I basically told him I am just tired of this whole friends with benefits thing and he slept over and we left it at that.  Woke up and he was leaving to go home that weekend and skip classes…huge pet peeve of mine…and I told him to figure it all out.  So here I am at home just contemplating what I want to do while he is home doing whatever….lord only knows if I have crossed his mind.

I think I have figured out what I want to do.  If he cannot treat me like something important to him during the day then he does not need to be spending the night with me anymore.  I am not asking to date but I am asking for him to make this whole thing less like a friends with benefit thing and more of a we are not dating but we like each other and want to be around each other.  Granted that’s what he claims it is….”us just having fun and we like each other and just making each other happy” BUT he is just acting this way at night! Which drives me nuts.

So when we come back from being home I am going to see what he thinks but seriously I am focused on what I think and believe and he isn’t going to come in between that.  And hopefully he will respect me enough to realize that we have had sex and I did it outside of my normal terms—actually loving the person—and to me that’s noteworthy and important.  We are polar opposites and opposites really do attract and hopefully he wants to try it out otherwise lord I know I am in for some kinda heartbreak.  I just pray that this week is a good one.  Please please please.  Please don’t make this a friends with benefit Dodson.  But I guess we will see.

Posted 2 months ago

Crap

So I am single. Miss the guy that I would be dating 9 months now. He wants nothing to do with me especially after listening to what his friends and family said…they say not to go after me. And you know it really hurts. Like this is a family that I have known since Kindergarten. And he says that they still love me and blah blah blah blah but honestly how I am supposed to believe that? I mean hello they don’t want me with you. That is plain and simple that they don’t like me.

So what about the guy who lied? Well he is talking to this girl who is in PHI MU DUH! And yeah he must really like her because he texts her and all of that banana. There was a post on pinterest that said “some people make you laugh harder smile wider and love harder” well guess what? That is this guy. He makes me laugh and yes he pisses me off sometimes but I seriously don’t think he is going to swing in my direction for a while because he isn’t the type that picks up a girl then drops her immediately after a while. Which yes I guess that’s ultimately sweet but still. I asked a good friend why he doesn’t like me and she thinks that we both friend zoned each other and yeah maybe we did but I mean you can always unfriend zone someone right? I mean for crying out loud he has tackled me on my bed and was laying on top of me while he was dating the PHI MU DUH girl. So what does that mean? Blah little did I know but I needed this break a lot more than I thought.

Why can’t someone just come to my rescue and be sweet and fun with a good heart and love me? Yeah I know that I sound like a sad love song but still this is how I feel right now…and I can’t do anything to fix it. I’m just super sad. That’s all. Just want to figure out my love story…and when I say figure it out I mean glance into the future in order to see how this all plays out but obviously that doesn’t happen. I guess you don’t get to know the future unless you wait for it all for it all to play out. Joy. So that’s where I am. :(

Posted 5 months ago

Uh not ok

Why is it socially acceptable to lie? Am I really that scary to tell the truth to? I mean all I ask for in a friend/guy/boyfriend/whatever is to have an honest relationship no matter what level it may be on.

Lying to me is like the worst thing you can do because all it tells me is that you are not TRUE. You’re not a true person, true friend, true anything. I know we are taught to forgive and don’t get me wrong I am not about to go all religious on you but seriously how am I supposed to have a honest friendship with you from now on?

Ok so why am I even ranting about this? Well dear friends I have just been lied to yesterday about something so petty because he was afraid that I would judge him. So am I really that scary to tell the truth to? Then today I find out that he lied again about the somewhat same material.

Granted talking about sex with a guy friend can be somewhat personal but seriously all you have to do is say that you do not want to talk about it or something like that.  Like I just feel like a horrible person because I should be able to be someone that you should feel comfortable to talk to. However lying to me solves NOTHING.

So do I have feelings for this guy? I don’t. I just see him as some guy that I could potentially mesh with well down the road. Yes he is cute and yes he is funny and yes he can make me smile. But how can I even remotely think about starting a relationship with someone who has clogged up my brain with two lies as of right now.

And yes maybe the thought of my name and his last name sounds nice…doesn’t mean crap. And yes maybe he does stay in my room until like 12:30 in the morning. And yes maybe he lays in the same bed as me. So? Doesn’t mean crap.

He just wants a girl. Granted he may say that he wants a girl that he can hang with and be comfortable with and yes maybe he is indirectly saying that it is me but he is screwing around with my head by texting his ex-girlfriend of six months and then hanging out with a new girl that reminds him of the ex-girlfriend of six months that is in Idaho for college and then also texting numerous other girls throughout the day. Yes I know that any relationship should be built up on trust but seriously you throw me for a curve ball daily!

Do you like me or not? Can you wait for me or not? If you said yes to the first question and second question then you should just relax and wait instead of being a little manwhore and wanting anything that has a vagina. Like seriously give yourself a rest and pick ONE. I for one do not get it.

So here I am and yes I know you’ll be coming around later tonight to “study” for math and stay for hours and lay on my bed and hug me a thousand times. Yes I feel like your backup girl that you just have around because you know that I am smart and that you know that I will help you because I am nice. Just choose me or not. Don’t just keep me around. I am about to cut you off but for some reason I cannot. It kills me. Just go.

Just go.

For real.

I’m serious now.

Or at least that’s what I want to say.

Posted 5 months ago

r.e.t.r.e.a.t. 2.0.1.2!!!

So wow my retreat for Senior year basically was them saying…you’re leaving. We wrote everyones name who we were going to miss and I just realized holy crap it’s everyone in this room. I have gotten used to so many people quirks and it amuses me. I wouldn’t have my senior year class any other way. I love them all SOOOO much.

It is scary to think that there are people in that class that I have gone to school with for 13 YEARS. 13 straight years of drama and happiness and just growing up. I remember some of the people each other used to date and how a girl giving a guy a hug was her being a slut. Wow times have most definately changed. I will miss everyone whether or not I want to accept it.

Ok so my darling boyfriend who knew that I was on retreat for 2 straight days knew I wouldn’t be able to talk since there is no service in the woods. But seriously right when I got home he wanted to know everything. The ins and outs of the retreat. He even sorta got jealous hearing about how I thought some guy was so sweet and all. He would never admit that such a feeling would come from him but he was jealous. I just know…it’s one of those scary things I can tell about him without him directly telling me.

So I wanted to know if he missed me at all without straight-up asking him and he did it. Saturday night…well last night he emailed a song that he couldn’t sing the last time we hung out since his voice was messed up. And he sent me a link and let me be the judge of how good or bad it was which I always am the judge he just never says it. At the bottom of the email he says enjoy Anna Lee :) which is the nickname he gave me even though it’s actually longer than my real name…silly boy. His is Bren Bren and it cracks me up since it reminds me of like little kid name. But anyways it was just cute and made me smile because he calls me Anna Lee whenever he is actually trying to be cute so it’s kinda a surprise. I listened to the song which is another thing I love doing since I could listen to him sing all the time. It just makes me so happy. But yea…boyfriends aren’t so bad sometimes :)

<3 Anna Lee

Posted 1 year ago

“and love such a silly game we play…”

wow haven’t been on this in a while…

well here it goes…

so uh i am in love. totally completely head over heels. it should almost be banned. i am in like hollywood love with him. the problem…oh yes there is always a problem. i don’t know if he is in love with me. like i feel like he could be just because of how completely obsessed with are with each other whenever we do get to hang out but then again that’s me trying to read off of boy’s thoughts…which i nearly always mess up. but then again that’s not really where the problem is. i mean if he does one day great…but if not i mean i guess i don’t know…ha i guess you’re supposed to figure that out when that happens not before.

anyways i am happy like i get so wrapped around him and what he is up to and us whenever we do hang out or talk but i am getting worried. like everything is going so great right now that it almost seems too good to be true. like something is going to happen and throw it all out of wack again. i don’t know.

high school…well we are already half way until the 2nd quarter is over so we have about 1 more semester. that’s it. so he is for sure going to UAH to play soccer which i am so happy he gets to play like i know that that’s what he has always wanted to be able to do. so that’s great. but…(haha you had to know that was coming) i am so NOT going to UAH. my options are UNA (45 minutes to an hour away), UAB (1 hour 30 minutes away), and West Alabama (3 hours and 30 minutes away). so no where in there was UAH. and on top of that it’s not like i can just drive down the road and BAM he is there.

i guess i am like thinking too much about the future or something but honest i am not doing it on purpose. i just don’t know what my next move is supposed to be after we graduate. we will be in 2 different worlds. i mean i guess i look at the couples from school and they are RIDICULOUS. seriously not even kidding. like they’re applying to the same school as their boyfriend and trying to make it permanent that they can stay together all through college. one of my friends has an off and on kinda boyfriend and he is going into the military and she is going to Northwestern in Chicago and after 2 years he can get stationed in Chicago and she is like i don’t know if i want to be an army wife. i mean seriously? we haven’t even graduated yet!

i guess when he text me saying “i enjoy talking to you and it makes me happy to make you happy. so cheers and look forward to the long haul :)” i guess me being a girl i thought too much. but i can’t imagine him not in my life. yea yea i know i could always be friends with him. but seriously if i see him 2 years down the road and we have broken up and all i am probably going to fall for him again if i even speak to him.

and i hate being this vulnerable. literally any other guy i would be able to stand on my 2 feet. i mean i have done it countless times. god i just feel like i am falling and falling and one of these days i am actually going to land on my big ass because i didn’t land on my two feet. i don’t know.

Posted 1 year ago